the little green monster

I have dealt with alot of emotions recently, but I think the one i want to write about now, is jealousy. I think its going to be good for me to talk this out. I know i deal with jealousy in many ways, but the one way that i have struggled the most recently is over something big. Something i have probably hindered things, because of my jealousy.

You see it all started probably around November 2008. My youth group did a points system to qualify for missions trips, and fun trips. I hadn't done very well and my youth pastor's wife told me I needed to bring my points up to 75%. I was at 50 something, in order to qualify for the missions trip to Italy that following summer. I didn't have long to raise my points MAJORLY. I worked incredibly hard over that probably next month. I worked memorizing verses doing extra things, doing everything at all possible. when the time came that it was over I was told I has 76.9%. I had qualified to go to Italy. I was going to Italy. I was beyond excited and couldnt stop talking about it. A few months later, we were told the trip to Italy needed to be canceled. Time passed and we ended up going to Leadership Camp for our missions trip, and I knew ok this is just preparing me for Italy next year! Well this year rolls around. I work HARD and again qualify for the trip. This time it was really happening. We were going to Italy. I got my stuff to get my passport. Went to meetings got incredibly excited with my bestfriend about the trip. Only to be informed, I would not be going to Italy. My mom didnt think it was a good idea for me to go.

As I type this, my best friend, youth pastor and others are in Grosseto, Italy. I am sitting in my bed in good ole West Virginia. I keep asking myself, and God, why arent I there? Why did this happen. I read my youth pastors blog posts and I try to feel good about it. But when i read it, i honestly just want to cry. I want to experience the Trevi Fountain and the Mamertine Prison. I hate that im not there. I want to. I have loved Italy for as long as i can remember. I want to be there. I have such serious feelings of jealousy i know its not right. I cant let go....i should be there. I should be experiencing it. in a few days my other best friend will leave for Moldova. why am i the only one stuck here? I want out. Im jealous of the experiences they have had. and will experience while im stuck here.im jealous im jealous im jealous. but.....

I'm letting it go here. I'm going to pray for them on the remainder of the trip. I'm going to pray fervently for the Italy team and the Moldova team. It is my mission, and my calling.